


Gotham is a City of Stars

by ads



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce just doesn't get musicals, Forced Kissing, Kind of..., La La Land, M/M, More info in notes, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-12-23 19:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11996853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ads/pseuds/ads
Summary: Joker kidnapps Batman because...he wants to watch a La La Land?!Or how Bruce's hatred for musical started.





	Gotham is a City of Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> NOT BETA-READED YET, I am not native, there is a ton of small mistakes. Please, if you are willing to beta-read it, message me on my tumblr [ beyondpines.tumblr.com ](http://beyondpines.tumblr.com)
> 
> So an idea for this fanfic came to me when I was completely desperate learning for my bachelor degree and I promised to myself that I am going to write it during summer when I won't suffer so much. So here it is. Promise made to myself. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Reading this fic is recommended AFTER seeing La La Land because SPOILERS and you would understand what is going on in the movie. 
> 
> Okay, now grab your pop-corn, shuffle in some La La Land soundtrack and enjoooy!! Don't forget to comment. ♥

Bruce woke up tied. His mind was hazy, his vision blurred. He came to his senses very slowly like he was trying to wipe milk out of his eyes. He was calm. The first moment. Then he just straight away panicked and tried to get out of his seat but he couldn’t.

He was tied with a fucking rope.

Then he started with his method when he had to calm down. Single. Focus. Don’t try to think about all the things that could happen think about how to save your sorry ass. Just focus. Panic was for later.

He could see that he still had his gloves on, all together with his batman suit. He flinched just to feel that he also had his cowl on. Okay, his identity was safe. Now, how can he…

His thinking was rapidly stopped when a light came on. He hissed like he was in pain a closed his eyes in sudden “enlightenment”.

Now he could see he wasn’t just tied to a chair, he was tied to a cinema seat. Quite an old-school bohemian look, where you couldn’t see in front of yourself if the person sitting in next raw was too tall. With “classy” style, arches, golden color when it wasn’t really needed, and the smell of popcorn just ingrained in the texture of every fiber.

“Now, now, I can see bats don’t like the light.” Joker’s voice said in mild amusement.

Bruce had to push away panic eating at his brain. Now wasn’t the time.

Joker was taking his sweet time to take a seat in a front row right next to Bruce. He threw himself into a seat so carelessly a few popcorn fell out of his bowl.

“What is this supposed to mean?” Bruce growled.

“What does it look like, Batsy? This is a date. In a cinema. With a musical. And popcorn.” He smiled his best, showing teeth in terrifying beauty.

“You gassed me when I was trying to save…”

“Shhh, shhhh. Don’t talk, Batsy.” Joker put a finger to Bruce’s lips. “Let’s just enjoy tonight.”

Bruce flinched at the touch of Joker’s finger.

“What is this supposed to mean? I’m tired of your games.”

Joker was just staring intently into Bruce’s eyes then he fed him some popcorn.

“I don’t like to repeat myself, dear. Let’s just enjoy tonight, alright?”

Bruce sighed utterly exasperated trying to chew the goddam popcorn with dry mouth.

Just kill me, he thought for a while when his tired self-took over himself.

“We will be watching one of my most favorite movies, ever,”

“Psycho?” Bruce said without really thinking.

“No, no, no, that movie is completely unrealistic, I can’t forgive it to any movie. Realism is what gets me. We are watching a musical tonight.”

“Because musicals are all about realism,”

“Yes, about realism which is happening inside your heart,” Joker puts a hand to his chest in an exaggerated gesture.

“Now, now.” Joker put a popcorn inside his mouth then he changed his mind and spit it on the ground. “We should eat it after the movie starts,” He gestured with his hand and the lights went out.

The only new thing in this old cinema was a projector which was really quite incongruous in his surroundings.

Joker threw his hand around Bruce and pushed him closer, Bruce uselessly resisted.

“Let’s make a deal. If you will be able to fulfill it, I will let you go at the end of the movie. So how about it?”

“What deal?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Joker jumped excitedly in his seat. “This is a date so let’s make it a real one. You just have to pretend to by my girlfriend.”

Bruce was about to refuse when Joker covered his mouth with his hand.

“This time you have to listen, little Bat. You really have no other way how to get out of here alive. Nod if you understand.”

Bruce wanted to bite Joker’s hand off but he just nodded. He was convinced this was just another lie. He won’t make it alive relying on Joker’s promise. He knew that much. Never trust a man with a lipstick so badly drawn all across his face. He needed to play this game until he is able to find out how to get out.

“Now, hold this.” Joker put a bowl of popcorn into Bruce’s lap. “Better hold it with your thighs.” He touched Bruce’s legs to make them hold popcorn more firmly.

“Don’t drop it,” Joker said as he brushed Bruce’s cheek with a finger.

Bruce clenched his teeth. His legs were tied as well so he had to try fucking hard to not drop it. Fucking clown.

Then Joker just clapped his hands and movie started.

And oh boy.

La La Land?

Fucking clown.

“Aaaa? Whaddaya think? Have you seen it already, darling?”

“No. Musicals are not really my thing.”

“Such a shame. I did hope you loved it secretly, watching West Side Story and Mamma Mia by nights at your cave.”

Bruce didn’t like musicals, they were too… bright? Well, once he went to a cinema on a musical with fake date and he kind of like it. It was called Dancer in the Dark and it was the most depressing musical probably ever made. So he liked it. His female companion not so much. But he wasn’t planning to share his thoughts. He wasn’t going to pretend that he wasn’t sitting next to a homicidal maniac.

“Now, now, watch carefully. My favorite part. Well, this entire movie is my favorite part.”

He grabbed Bruce’s hand. Bruce sighed but he endured it. He had a glove on.

“This isn’t it.” Joker lamented and took Bruce’s glove off. Then he entwined fingers with him.

“Better,” he said satisfied.

Bruce couldn't do anything else, every hair on his body rose. This felt so wrong. Joker’s hand was freezing cold and it made Bruce feel like he was holding a hand of a dead body. Joker was squeezing him so hard he could also feel his heartbeat.

“Why are you doing this?” Bruce asked not expecting a serious answer.

“Google said a movie for a first date is a good idea,” Joker answered pretending shyness.

“And now shush! Watch it.”

The first song started. A lot of people in a traffic jam singing and dancing together. It felt incredibly fake to Bruce, enough for him to make him cringe. People were more likely to kill each other than to dance like this. This could never happen in Gotham. Not in any city.

(Yeah, Bruce just doesn’t understand musicals.)

“Someoneeee in the croOOwd.” Joker sang alongside actors. His voice was horrible and he knew all the lyrics.

This is going to be a long evening.

Then suddenly Joker stopped and just stared at Bruce intently. Honestly, Bruce felt better with Joker singing than staring.

“What are you thinking? Are you imagining how it would go in Gotham?”

Bruce jerked when clown read his mind. Joker laughed squeezing Bruce’s fingers even tighter. (If it was possible.)

“I would start it of course. With singing, dancing, and… “ Joker licked his lips, “shooting.”

“Road would be just utter chaos, horrified people screaming their lungs out instead of singing. Blood splattering the asphalt, people running across other dead people.”

Joker moved his lips right next to Bruce’s cowl, whispering into his ear:

“Would you like to see that instead of THIS?”

Now he was crushing Bruce’s fingers.

“No,” Bruce whispered.

“Whatdidyousay? I can’t hear you.”

“No, I don’t want to see that.” Bruce declared clearly.

“Good. Then just enjoy the movie. It got sixty-nine Oscars.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Is not.”

“Now, look, look!” Joker pointed excitedly. “There is Gosling. The only man I would exchange you for.”

Bruce didn’t react. He would exchange Joker for a blink of an eye.

“Don’t take it so se-ri-ous-ly. I wouldn’t exchange you for anything, darling. You are my someone in the crowd.”

Finally, Joker hand relaxed and wasn’t crushing him. Bruce was afraid that he was going to lose his fingers due to lack of blood.

 

 

“Look at her, trying her best and they just keep ignoring her. I would kill them for her. Send her their fingers one by one. Maybe during torture, they would pay her some attention, hmm. Anyway. Look at this cappuccino scene, it’s pretty important. Yeah, yeah, watch right now the celebrity is buying her stupid coffee – hey, how do you like your coffee? probably just black, right? – aaand in the end SHE will be the celebrity asking for coffee and she will have it for free. Oh, that’s a spoiler. Sorry.”

Joker was an unstoppable commentator. Just chewing on popcorn from time to time but still commenting. He liked to touch Bruce unnecessarily whenever he reached for his popcorn. Also feeding him some.

Bruce was sure this was one of the worst kinds of torture.

 

 

While Joker went on singing every goddam song, Bruce was trying to figure out his escape. He had made Fox built his spikes in his right glove but that glove was right now lying in front of his right leg. Because someone had to hold his hand. As if he fucking knew.

Bruce was trying to reach it with his feet but he didn’t want to raise attention to it. So he just kept waiting for some miracle. He needed Joker gone for a while.

“Samba and tapas, that’s really a terrible combination. I can understand him. Now think about this, McDonald's with heavy metal music - that would be SOMETHING! Heavy metal clowns! Just like me. Oh, but it reminds me of one place in south Gotham, what’s its name…”

“Gherkin’s pancakes.” Bruce finished him.

“There ya go! Yes, nobody wants GHERKINS in their PANCAKES! That’s just unthinkable.”

“That’s because owner’s name is Gherkins.”

“Oh.”

 

 

“Hey, his boss is terrible. He should just play whatever he wants, am I right? I would kill that boss.”

“You would kill everyone.”

“Now he sneaks his little song. He can’t control it because he has jazz hands.”

Joker started laughing uncontrollably at his terrible joke, but still not letting go of Bruce’s hand. But then he did unexpectedly because he had to mimic playing a piano. Bruce was waiting for it, for a little distraction. Joker even closed his eyes. Bruce regretted not being able to stretch his feet further because of the stupid popcorn, but who cares. What can worse happen after letting it fall?

Just in the moment when he moved his leg Joker’s hand flings to the bowl, not letting it fall.

“Oi, Batsy. Endure just a little bit longer, will ya? You are a big boy.” Joker patted Bruce’s thigh in encouragement. Then he grabbed his hand again. Fuck.

 

 

“Now they are sitting in a cinema, just like us. Isn’t it great? And do you know what’s even greater? They are about to kiss! And when this is also a date, you know, we should…”

Joker pretended shyness again.

“Don’t even think about it,” Batman growled.

“I am thinking about it,” Joker replied with shyness gone, his voice determined.

Ryan Gosling moved closer to Emma Stone. Joker followed their example. He was moving together with them, painfully slow. Bruce could feel Joker’s breath at his exposed facial skin. He moved his head backward, only to find Joker’s hand forcing him to stay as he was.

Then, in the movie, film burnt stopping Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling from kissing.

Joker moved away from Bruce laughing manically.

Bruce thanked every god he knew.

 

 

Observatory scene. Ryan and Emma, or Seb and Mia, broke inside.

“How rom-ANTIC!” Joker screamed suddenly.

“How spontaneous, we should take their example, honeysweetiedarling. Be more spontaneous.”

“You drugged me and forced me to watch a musical with you. You are spontaneous enough for both of us.”

“Oh, thank you, darling.”

Then Mia and Seb started to fly in a room and Bruce had to stop himself from laughing. This film was absurd. Even for a musical.

“I wish I could dance with you too, shame you are tied.”

“You can untie me.”

“I was considering it, but nah. I like you under control.”

Joker sang quietly with the music as their dance was about to finish.

Then it came. Kissing scene. Light and romantic.

Bruce was doomed.

Joker threw himself at Bruce. Popcorn fell down immediately as Joker sat into Bruce’s lap taking his head into hands, forcing him from moving away.

Joker didn’t kiss him lightly and romantically. It was a kiss of a hungry man. He tasted like popcorn and cheap lipstick.

He put a tongue into Bruce’s mouth in an instant, suffocating him, sucking all air, all saliva like he was thirsty.

(He could be, he didn’t drink anything and was eating salty popcorn all this time.)

Bruce was trying to protest, but it was like some small bird trying to flee an eye of a hurricane. All he could try was to bite Joker’s tongue off, but when he tried it he could swear he felt how good it made Joker feel. (Was it purring?) Bruce used this moment to finally reach his glove on the ground. He had it behind his leg now. He just needed to move it up so he can…

Joker was soon out of breath, still holding Bruce by his neck, foreheads touching, panting into Bruce’s lips.

“I should have chosen a movie when kiss came sooner.” he whispered, showing true colors.

“Do you feel how I want you?” Joker asked pushing his hips harder into Bruce’s chest.

“Thankfully, no,” Bruce replied. So it appears Kevlar can protect him from knifes and erections of homicidal clowns as well. He never felt more grateful.

“What a shame. But I shouldn’t be the only one feeling this way. Maybe I should make you feel good too.” Joker put his hand on Bruce’s crotch, and Bruce was once again grateful for his batsuit.

“You shouldn’t do this on our first date.” Bruce tried to save his body from further damage. He also managed to lift the glove with the back of his sole.

“You are right.” Joker sighed, placing a small kiss on Bruce’s cheek before leaving his lap.

“Oh, look what you did. You dropped the popcorn!” Joker took the bowl and left his seat.

“I am going for a new one. Behave!”

Just as he was about to leave the room he said to Bruce:

“Lipstick suits you.”

Right after Bruce could hear the sound of the door closing behind Joker he crashed with his leg into the seat. The spikes in glove had to be activated by pressure, like when he would hit something or someone. Bad thing was that they were sharp. Like very sharp.

He hissed as spikes reached his leg. He had to suppress the pain. Just focus. But right now his right leg was free. He let the glove fall and freed his left leg as well, now with spikes already out.

He ignored the sensation of blood running down his calf and lifted glove with his both legs holding the gloves. It was the quite embarrassing position but he only cared about getting the hell out.

Bruce prayed that it would take Joker years to come back.

His right hand was free and left quickly followed. Now, how should he escape?

He gave a quick look around, finding an exit. Yes, he was a bit naïve when he tried if the doors were locked. He pushed into them but with no luck.

Suddenly a spotlight hit him. He held a hand in front of his eyes to look up only to see Joker staring at him back.

“Hey, point it at me, idiot!” Joker screamed at his henchman and light came to him.

“Batsy, I am very, very, VERY disappointed. I arranged this date, even promised to free you after it ends and you are trying to escape at the VERY first chance?”

“Joker, when have you ever fulfilled a promise?”

“A-ta-ta-ta. Shush. I am talking. But this light. This balcony. Pretty good stage, ain’t it? I should as well use it now. Well… I can sing to you. Her final audition. I just love that scene.”

Yeah, he loves the entire fucking movie. Bruce thought to himself annoyed.

“Now sit.”

Bruce was still standing. He didn’t want to lose his advantage.

“SIT!” Joker screamed and his voice reverberated the entire hall. Bruce sat down.

“Good boy. Then, shall we begin?” He cleared his throat, closed his eyes and then opened them with new personality hiding inside.

Joker started La La Land Audition song, with his little alternations. First few verses without singing.

“My father used to beat us.” He paused like he was searching in his memory, telling something painful.

“I remember, he used to come home drunk and he would tell us about how much he loved us.  
And I remember, one night he went a little crazier.” He paused again with a scared expression.

“With a knife.”

Bruce could admit that he was a good actor. Just not the best. The little spark of insanity was still there no matter how much he tried to hide it.

Joker started singing quietly and still pretending innocence of a victim. It made Bruce sick.

“Leapt without looking. And tumbled intooo the vein. The blood was oozing! It would take a month cleaning. But he said he would do it again.”

After those, he finally started screaming the words and it made Bruce feel relieved.

“Here's to the ones who steeeeeal. Foolish as they may SEEEEM! Here's to the hearts that bleeeEEEed. Here's to the hatred we feeeed.”

Joker had to pause himself to turn the excitement down. After a little pause, he continued more calmly.

“He murdered with no feeling. A death with no appealing. The sunset insiiiide the wound. He lived in his liquor. And died with a snicker.” Joker laughed quietly. “I'll always remember the SOUND.” and continued laughing all the way, laughter quietly bubbling inside his throat reaching the point when it spilled and filled the room. And with the manic hysteria he continued the chorus:

“Here's to the ones who steeeeeeeal. Foolish as they may seeeeem. Here's to the hearts that BLEED. Here's to the hatred we NEED!”

“He told me: "A bit of madness is key. To give us new people to kill. Who knows where it will lead us? And that's why they need us." So bring on the KILLERS! Dead bodies floating rivers.

The arsonists,

and psychos,

and flames. “

Bruce was getting restless. He was trying to look around, thinking about how he could escape, but every time Joker saw him looking away he screamed a little in his singing.

“And here's to the idiots who run. Naive as they may seem. Here's to the hearts that bleed.  
Here's to the hatred we feed.” Joker was exclaiming every sentence as if he was jealous but calm. After those words, he jumped from the balcony in front of Bruce. He was holding a knife.

“I trace it all back to then. Him, and the knife, and the vein. Smiling through it. He said he’d do it again.”

Joker bowed like a ballerina, knife shining in his hand. The lights went out with a huge noise. This probably wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Come on, Batsy, where is my applause?”

“Here,” Batman exclaimed as he started a fight. His night vision was still working which was nice. At least something was still working.

“If we finished the movie, you would understand why I made you watch it.”

Joker giggled as Batman continued to beat him up, Joker defending poorly, mostly enjoying it.

“Because Mia and Sebastian loved each other but they still ended with somebody else. But they were just soooo stupid to let it happen. That’s what is happening with us, you just have to realize…”

Finally, Batman knocked him out, he wouldn’t argue the fact that the sound of Joker body falling down wasn’t satisfying. Then he sprinted for the door and when he reached for handle Joker spoke:

“This building is full of my people. Someone in charge of the lights, popcorn, movie… If you walk out of here alive it is because I said so, not because you beat me. Because I always fulfill a promise…”

“No, you don’t”

“…To you.”

Bruce opened a door and was expecting someone to fight him, to stop him from leaving. And Joker wasn’t lying there was a lot of movement. And they just let him go.

So Joker really just wanted to have a movie night?


End file.
